I've changed so much in the last couple of weeks that at times, I can barely recognize myself. With God's help, I've finally been able to build up a positive side of me which I never had before. Not to mention that I've managed to find some kind of strenth within me to help me face these darks days am facing. And all these are God's doing, his Grace upon me. Of that I'm sure.
No, am not dancing on a euphoric cloud and going lalalala all the time. I do have my off days. These kinda days when simply getting out of bed is a near-impossible task. These kinda days where I just don't feel any emotion at all, no anger, no fear, no joy, no sadness juts pure, scary, absolute blankness. Just the other day I burst out crying when I was with my sister on the phone.
I've always been something of a whiner, always mopping about, letting every little thing of the world hit me to the core. I've been depressed more times than I can remebere, I've done it all from self harm to not leaving my room, not talking to anyone. And then things looked better. And now they're back to being awful again. (My life and surroundings has been nothing short of a magniciently dramatic soap opera if it can explain things a bit!).
But now the difference is this: Even on the most awful days, when i turn to God for help, I can feel his hand upon me as a wave of comfort literally engulfs me. The difference now is that i really, honestly, genuinely do BELIEVE that he will help me pull through. Back then, i only cried out to him and went back to being moppy and moody again, with no conviction that Jesus will hear my plea. Why should He? I was just some unimportant dot in the entire sea of human faces on this planet. There was no reason why he sould help some angst-filled twenty year old when there was the President of the US to help and confort. When there were people going through some REAL suffering out there. Why should He confort me during one of my hypochondirac moods when ppl were dying from real sickness?
Need I point out how wrong I was? God hears us all, no matter who we are, where we are and whether our sickness is real or immaginary (I used to be a hardened Hypochondriac, hopefully am getting over that now!). And once I let go of all these negative thoughts and inhibitions and once I placed everything at his feet, it LITERALLY felt like a huge weight was being lifted up- not off my shoulders- but off my enitre being. When I need confort, He's always here.
The strength I've suddenly discovered within myself, the way I now laugh through the bad days are more than enough proof. His love is unfalliable, there's no sickness, no pain, no anger, no suffering which He can't help you through. All you have to do is let him in your heart. He'll do the rest and take care of you.
"In Jesus your future is secure, and your destiny certain"
And with His Mercy and Grace, I know I can face anything.
Sparkles&Smiles
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